I grew up in a Christian home where we were encouraged to pray, memorize scripture and live in a godly way.  We also had a church community that would support the lessons our mother was imparting into us.

Our mother continuously (and tirelessly) laboured to nurture us into God fearing children on a daily basis, she would regularly emphasize to us the importance of avoiding bad influences. But once in a while, especially when we were certain that she was not watching, we would do things that were contradictory to what she was labouring to ingrain in us.

One of the contradictory behaviours that I picked up was masturbation. My struggle with masturbation eclipsed at a very tender age. I cannot remember the onset of this behaviour. But it must have been before my sixth birthday.

I used to use various objects to satisfy myself.  At that point in time, I derived a lot of pleasure from masturbating. For me, a day in which I did not get an opportunity to masturbate was not worth talking about.

My passion to masturbate was fuelled by soaps and movies.  Any soap or movie with a sexually implied scene was enough to fan the flames of masturbation in me.  Since I had somehow gotten the idea that boys were “bad” I figured that I could always enact what I had seen portrayed on TV using a substitute object instead of an actual penis.

By the time I joined high school, I was already feeling like I was too lost to be found. But that could not deter me from masturbating.

I kept on masturbating all through my secondary school life. However, I also did have some interspersed short-lived moments of victory—moments in which I seemed to overcome the addiction. Whenever I slipped back into masturbation, the devil was always sure to taunt me about my failure to overcome this addiction. The guilt, shame, fear and condemnation were unbearable.

In my desperation to be set free, I used to write letters to God asking Him to loosen the chains of masturbation that enslaved me. Afterwards, I would tear or burn up these letters because I did not want anyone else to read them.

The fear of what people (especially my family and friends) would think about me if they discovered my addiction was definitely paralyzing! I lived in constant fear of being rejected and dejected. I was constantly ashamed to the core.

Despite the fact that I had grown up in a Christian environment, I had never seriously confessed Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. Thus, I came to believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour when I was starting my senior six.

But even after accepting Jesus Christ in my heart, I still secretly struggled with masturbation. My addiction worsened when I got the opportunity of having my own bedroom. I would always lock the door and pretend to be reading yet I was actually deeply engrossed in masturbation.

My enslavement to masturbation still continued when I joined University. By this time, I was absolutely tired of masturbation and yearned to be set free. I continued to ask the Lord to break the chains of masturbation that had held me captive for over twenty years.

While I was at University, a close friend invited me to the Finepearls University fellowship for an overnight event during which different people testified about how God had delivered them from various sexual addictions. But the testimony of the lady who had been freed from masturbation touched me the most because it was something that I could identify with very well. At the end of her testimony, she said that in the midst of her struggle with masturbation, a friend told her that she would overcome.

This statement stuck in my heart. And as she shared her testimony, God miraculously set me free from the bondages of masturbation. Every chain that held me captive was broken and the walls of masturbation that had come up high against me where crushed to pieces—all the strong holds were broken.

Whom the Son sets free is free indeed! It has been roughly seven years (and still counting!) since God released me from the bondage of masturbation. I thank God that even when I am alone, the thought of masturbation never crosses my mind unlike those days when I used to masturbate multiple times whenever I got the chance to be alone. The devourer still tries pretty hard to lure me back into masturbation but he’s fighting a losing battle because whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

I am now a part of the Finepearls Family. The great accountability, love and support in this family has helped me to grow in numerous ways. I no longer live with unbearable fear, shame, guilt and condemnation.

Names Withheld